Category: anxiety

Ego

Not enough
Not good
Not smart
Not kind
Not intelligent enough

Too much
Too little
Too big
Too slow
Too fast talking

Not safe
Not there
Not here
Not silent
Not saying anything

Too kind
Too soft
Too hard
Too much

Too much…

The if’s

If I did something wrong
If I could take it back
If I could say how much you mean
If you understood how afraid I am
To lose you

If I could express myself
If I could show how much I care
If I was not so scared
If I could tell you how much I appreciate
That you are there

But my fear make me silent
Nodding to reassure
Thinking of all the if’s and all the fears
Mute
Dumb
Silent

I want to rest in your arms
But my mind races
Makes me uncertain

If it’s okay
To cry tears of pain and sadness
After all this time

The pains are mine
The sadness from within
And the fears
Because of all the if’s

Silence

Silence
It fills my mind
Screaming at me
All the unease is on
Me

But the silence is screaming at me
Pulling at the strings of my soul
Until only uncertainties remain
Unraveling it all

Water
The strings are drenched
The silence
Freezing them to be
Brittle

The silence is screaming at them
The strings of my soul so cold
Gnawing uncertainties that break
My unravelled mind

Must fill the silence

Fret

As this corpse
This carcass
Wanders the poppy fields
Of friendships past
Seems at last
They bloom.

Cornucopia
Of warmth
Joyously sharing positives
How fortunate I
Tears I cry
Of joy.

Now this oaf
This ogre
Stomp in mirth the flowers
Leaving naught
But distraught
Memories.

Physicality of my fears

Cold claws
Gripping my heart
Churning and turning
My lungs
Until I cannot breathe

Hot knives
Cutting my mind
Stirring and burning
My thoughts
Until I cannot think

Fear grips my soul
As my thoughts betray me

This is not normal
Why is this fear
Tearing me apart
How is this anxiety
Invading my mind

I’m sorry
I’m useless
Forgive my
Obtuseness

Icy spikes
Piercing my soul
Stabbing and jabbing
My core
Until but panic remain

Mirror

I am a mirror
Cracked
Broken
Shattered
In pieces all over the floor

Memories of breaking
Break me again
Shatter my surface

Chills down my spine
As emptiness fill the cracks
Hands in my hair
Rocking back and forth
Commiserating myself

I am a mirror
Empty
Lightless
Negligible
Can’t see nothing in me

What bad may come

It’s not you, it’s me
You break away, but it isn’t you
You are the best part of life
My only regrets are hurting you
Hurting everyone

It’s not you, it’s me
I said nothing, but said too much
I didn’t see the signs at all
The unforseen consequence as such
Hurting everyone

You should know
I love you much
More than you can know
What bad may come
You touched
My soul
It isn’t you
It’s me

It’s not you, it’s me
No parlor tricks can’t save me now
Dress it down and up again
All I can do will be for show
Hurting everyone

I’m hurting everyone

Voice

The voice tells me

Not enough
Too much

Contradictions
Yet the measure
By which I loose grip

Too little
Too late

The voice screaming
Telling me
I’m not enough

I did
not enough
I said
Too little
I’m not clear
I looked stupid
Must do more
Must say more
Must be more

Too much
Intense

The voice mocking
Showing me
Where I failed

I did
Far too much
I said
Too many things
Unnecessary
Straining
Annoying
Cast aside
My own fault

It says
Give up
Give in
Ruining everything
For everyone
Not worth
The hassle

I hate the voice…

Circles

Latched onto a beam of light
A ray in darkness
My prism is dirty
Though the light is pure,
The refractions are distorted

All my thoughts go in circles
“Did they understand this”
“Do they get that”
Am I only ever enough
Or do my presence break the light
Into shadows
Into no-light

Caught on a beam of bright
A warmth in sadness
My mind is filled
Am I smothering the heat
There’s a storm let inside.

All my thoughts go in circles
“Did I say enough”
“Did I say too much”
Am I all too much
Or am I dosing the fire
With unnecessary
Extra words